Breaking The Habit.

Memories consume,
Like opening the wound.
I'm picking me apart again,

It was lonely in here, I felt so small in this room, locked up with no one to see, no one to talk to. I was alone with just a bed, and a bathroom. Nothing more, they didn't trust me. I didn't blame them. He was the reason I was in here, he was the reason I was like this. He was happy, and it killed me to see him having a good time without me.

You all assume,
I'm safe here in my room.
Unless I try to start again,

I always got depressed when Danny was away from me, when he went out or for whatever reason. I'd do self-harm to myself, and stayed quiet about the pain I was going through.

But that's not what killed me the most. A month ago he came to me and said we needed to start seeing other people. I didn't understand, I thought he loved me; I thought we were going to stay together till we grew old, and died together.

A part of me died, and that just caused for my depression to deepen, my self-harm to get worse. I would cry myself to sleep, praying to whatever god was out there, that Danny would come back. But nothing seemed to get any better.

I don't want to be the one,
The battles always choose,

Danny came around with a girl a week later or so, telling us about her, and where she was from. The dumb bitch didn't even know who we were, or what our band was called. But Danny didn't care; he was just oh-so in love with the girl. The guys were okay with that, I wasn't.

'Cause inside I realize,
That I'm the one confused.

Cameron was the first to notice my fresh cuts on my wrists. He was furious on what I was doing, and told the other guys.

"I won't do it again," I lied, biting my lip. "I promise."

Danny looked at me, his eyes wide.

"You're stupid for doing this, Ben! We're all here for you, if you need anything, just tell us!"

I need you, Danny, I thought. I need you, and that's all.

I didn't want to get caught again, so I decided running the sharp razor to my thighs. The material rubbed my raw wounds every time, and I managed to keep from sobbing for how much pain I endured.

I don't know what's worth fighting for,
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate,

I hardly went out with the guys, there really was no point, and I'd be lonely. Everyone had someone, and my someone left me to be with other girls. Danny brought back girl after girl, telling us that she was 'the one' for him. It got to me when he had said that he had the 'best night of his life' with his current girlfriend.

I drank my problems away, and hit my head against the table, passing out. I woke up in the hospital, not knowing what happened to me till boy Sam had to explain to me. When I was awake, the doctor asked about my cuts on my thighs, that if I had any problems whatsoever.

And say what I don't mean,
I don't know how I got this way,
I know it's not alright.

I begged the doctor to not tell the guys. But he couldn't do that and had to tell them what he found on my skin. That was the end of it. Strike one. I was yelled at; they yelled at me and told me I had broken a promise with them. The most important person didn't say anything to me, he stayed quiet and didn't look at me.

"What's wrong with you?" Danny had finally asked. "Is there something eating you up inside that you want to tell? Are you okay, Ben?"

I bite my lip, feeling my throat tighten.

"There's nothing wrong with me…I just want you back, I want to be happy again with you, Danny."

He shook his head. "No. Not like this, I can't. Look at you, Ben, you're hurting yourself. I told you, we needed to see other people. I am, why not you? You can be happy."

"I want to be happy with you, damnit!"

So I'm breaking the habit.
I'm breaking the habit,
Tonight.

I lost it the next few days, I'd hurt myself more, drink away my pain, not care what I did. I even tried to start cutting on more parts of my body, and was caught. That was another. Strike two.

I was slammed against the wall by James, the cut on my stomach stinging on how much weight the taller was putting on me. He yelled at me, but I couldn't hear him, I wasn't listening to none of them. I stared ahead at the love of my life. It showed on his face that he's now given up on me.

"Danny, please…! I love you, take me back, take me back!" I pleaded.

Danny's eyes were watery, as if he wanted to cry. I knew him better, he wasn't going to cry. He never cried before. His face returned to the same grave expression, turning away.

"Just…lock him up in the room…" he whispered. "He can't behave, and wants to hurt himself, just lock him up."

I struggled in James's grip, trying to get to Danny, reaching my hand out to grab his shirt. I was out of luck when the guys dragged me to the room, kicking and screaming for Danny. I was put on the bed, and the door was shut and locked. It was empty, and I cried myself to sleep after that.

Clutching my cure,
I tightly lock the door.
I try to catch my breath again,

I wasn't aloud of the room; and I had to take medication every day. The guys would come in and out to check on me and give me my pills; they'd watch me take them. But they never checked my mouth to see if I swallowed them down.

I'd take the caplets from under my tongue, and put them under a piece of carpet that was loose in the corner; I would pull it up and put the pills there. They would never know. I tried escaping once, when Cameron brought in my daily medication. Strike three. I hit him quite hard, putting my hand over his mouth as he struggled in my grip. He managed to shout out for help when I was out of the room.

It didn't take long for Sam and James to get ahold of me, and pin me to the wall. I sobbed, and screamed to see Danny one more time. I wanted to see the love of my life, my everything. I wanted to hold him, kiss him, and be happy with him again.

They picked me up, and put me back in the room. I slammed my body against the door, kicking it, hitting it, trying to get out. I yelled for Danny, yelled for them to let me out. I ripped the bed sheets apart, I threw the mattress across the room, I did everything I could.

My vision got blurry with tears, I cried quietly to myself, grabbing fistfuls of my hair and curled up on the bed. The pain was so much, I couldn't take it anymore.

I hurt much more,
Than any time before.
I had no options left again.

I guess I had slept for a long time, because I heard the door open, and someone walk in. That person wasn't alone. I wasn't asleep, my face was turned away from the person, and so, they didn't see if I was awake.

It was Danny. He only came in here to give me my medication, and that was it. I knew he had another girl with him, it was no surprise. I heard him sigh.

"Ben…your medication is here."

I didn't answer, or make a noise. I ignored him, and closed my eyes. He said something softly to his girlfriend, both of them walking out and closing the door. When I couldn't hear anyone else, I sat up slowly and turned to see a cheap, silverware spoon lying next to my liquid medicine.

I grabbed the spoon, and bent the cheap thing slowly. I stood up on my bed, and started carving words into the wall quietly, my favourite song lyrics. I bit my lip, reading them over and over again.

I'll paint it on the walls,
'Cause I'm the one that falls.
I'll never fight again,

I furrowed my eyebrows together, sighing. "I forgot the last line," I muttered. I shrugged, and got off the bed. I went over to the piece of carpet that was able to pull up. I gathered all of the colorful caplets in my hand and take them back over to my bed.

I sit down, and lay the pills on the bed, blowing the dust off. Not that it mattered, anyway. I get them all in my hand and tilt my head back; pouring the pills in my mouth and swallow them all dry. I make a face, taking the medication in.

I start getting dizzy; my heart is thrumming against my chest like a wild bird trying to escape from its cage, fluttering around. I can't see right, and everything is getting fuzzy now. I lay back down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

I re-read the lyrics on the wall again and finally remember what I forgot. "I'm breaking the habit tonight," I say, feeling my eyelids get heavy, my body fighting the medication. But I didn't want to fight it, I couldn't fight anymore, there was nothing left to fight for.

I start hearing voices, they're screaming at me, I'm being shaken roughly but I can't stay with them, because I'm somewhere very peaceful. It feels amazing.

But that voice, I know that voice anywhere. It's Danny, he's crying for the first time, begging me to stay awake. I want to tell him that it's alright, that I'm happy now, I'm okay.

He's crying loudly. "Ben! Come on, baby, you'll be alright! Stay with me!"

Before I'm finally out of it, I hear him yell an 'I love you' to me, over and over again.

But it's too late, Danny. You're too late to save me.

And this is how it ends.